Maybe I’ll have to go to the doctor now I guess. My guts are killin me, I hate the doctor. In Canada, it’s free, the doctor, huh? Here ya gotta pay for it! I hate the doctor’s guts. Comes out in his white smock with his pencils of knowledge in his pocket. Gives me useless [...]
Canada should just attack another country. Man, no one would see that coming. Greatest coo in military history. Lay low for 275 years. Then attack…Turkey! Just show up, “Guess what, we’re takin it. And we’re calling it Chicken you assholes!”
“You go to see the dentist. What a weird twisted freak he is. I don’t trust him. He sits you down in that chair. He shines that light in your eye, which is bad for my astigmatism. Takes pictures of your teeth and then he shows them to you. Like you’re interested at all. “Oh [...]
“I have astigmatism in my eye, do you have the same problem? Yeah, it’s when your eye goes screwy. My Optometrist said it was from years of doing stand-up comedy staring into the lights. Said he could fix it with laser surgery. I said what are you going to do, he said: ‘I’m going to [...]
“Look at the Canadian flag. It’s not a symbol of power. It’s a leaf. Oh don’t screw with Canada. They’ll dry up and blow away.”
“I got the colored lenses. I got the brown ones. Not a big seller the brown contact lenses. My eyes are naturally brown, but they’re not the brown I was looking for. Do you have a more shit brown color for me? It really brings out my true personality.”
“I live in a place called Tarzana. Heh. That’s what they call it. Tarzana. They stick a “A” at the end, they think no one is going to figure it out. It’s Tarzan. I live in a tree house! My next door neighbor’s the Keebler elf. Oh I hate that little prick. Keeps me up [...]
“Last night I dreamt three bald ducks burst into my bedroom and started pecking my pillow ’cause they wanted their feathers back. What the hell does that mean, Freud: my pillows are foam!”