Steves Altered Reality

You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

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My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn’t have sex quite so often.

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In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.

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I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

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I asked my girlfriend, ‘Will you marry me?’ She said, ‘We’ll have to ask my father.’ So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, ‘Hello!’

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…and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, “A truck!”

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I went to school, you know. I was in grammar school. Once we were taking a test. I was copying this other kid’s paper, and I guess the teacher heard my Xerox machine. And she said, “Emo, am I stupid or were you cheating?” I said, “Ah, yes and no.”

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My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid … and her nose was shot off by French soldiers. The list went on and on. She’s very beautiful. She has a heart-shaped face — not like a Valentine’s heart, but like a real heart, [...]

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People always ask me, “Where were you when Kennedy was shot?” Well, I don’t have an alibi.

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Back in high school, my buddies tried to put the make on anything that moved. I told them, “Why limit yourselves?”

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