Steves Altered Reality

Scientists now believe that the primary function of breasts is to make men stupid.

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A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
  ‘Do you enjoy it?’ The doctor asked.
  ‘Well actually, yes, I do.’, she exclaimed..
  ‘Does it hurt you?’ he asked.
  ‘No. I [...]

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I pull into the library parking lot in the small burb I live in to do a little research for a book I am writing. I pull my keys, hit the locks and slide out - it’s a beautiful day and between that and the smell of breakfast being prepared at the restaurant next door, [...]

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A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, “Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We’re not even moving.”
Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, “Excuse me, officer…what’s the holdup?”
“It’s O.J. Simpson,” says the cop. “He’s all depressed. He’s [...]

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 Muldoon lives with his dog in the countryside. When the dog dies, Muldoon goes to the parish priest. “Father, could you say a mass for the poor creature?”
The father explains, “We can’t have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road. Maybe they’ll do something for him.”
“Thanks,” says [...]

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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replies, “I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me [...]

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Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back when you throw it?
A: A stick.

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Three men were asked what they would want to be said about them at their funerals. The first one said, “I want someone to say I was a wonderful father.”
The second man said, “I want someone to say I was the greatest baseball player ever.”
The last man said, “I want someone to say, ‘He’s moving, [...]

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I have two very rare photographs.
One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car.
The other is a one of a kind photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

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Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
Dennis Miller

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